Friday, January 13, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Friday, July 1, 2011
what's going on
I really dont know what's going on with me lately. But im not liking the feeling. I feel as if its so hard for me to breath, like i cant put my hair down. It's mentally and physically tiring.
It's summer and ive been in bed. I can go out, no one is stopping me. But, i choose to stay in bed, tiring out my laptop. WTF am i doing? Why the hell didnt i sign up for options, for summer school? I could've done something productive. But, no i neglected to sign up for all that. I needed to sign up for it, but you know what i did i procrasinated. Why do i feel as if my life is....stuck. I see progress, but why do i doubt shit so much? Like, im sure i can make it in life. I know my potential and i feel as if nobody is ready for all that. Or am i the one thats not ready? When i really should be. It makes me crazy when i think about the PAST. I really should stop, because im doing so much better now. I always think about on how i could've done better. Sometimes, now im like watch ima start doing better. But i NEVER go through with it. It's like i got the motivation, but its hard for me to push. I feel as if ima start pushing, well im the type of person that starts pushing when i really need to. I live by no pain no gain. I always make it hard on myself. Like i can never just make it easy from the beginning. I always wait until the end. I really dont know if this post is even making any sense, because im just documenting all my thoughts and feeling without being fully aware if im staying in context. But i really dont care . Im just tryna relieve this uncomfortable feeling, ease the monster thats eating me up inside. I wanna go jobhumting 'cause my job isnt working out. No pay. I cant even go on a jobhunt because im so far from all the places i need to apply and i really dont trust the neighborhood ima have to walk on by in order for me to get there. Because no one is really down to gimme rides. Like i know i could do it, walk by myself. But, i really am cautious about my safety. I feel as if every car that walks on by that sees me is my potential kidnapper or rapist and their going to sell me, rape me, or leave me for dead. God forbid. Im so paranoid, that its stopping to get me a job. Because i know i can get it. So many fucken reasons i make up, so many excuses. WTF is wrong with me. I need to get it together. My mind is in a wreck. I know where im going but i just gotta find the fastest way to get there and that shit isnt easy.
It's summer and ive been in bed. I can go out, no one is stopping me. But, i choose to stay in bed, tiring out my laptop. WTF am i doing? Why the hell didnt i sign up for options, for summer school? I could've done something productive. But, no i neglected to sign up for all that. I needed to sign up for it, but you know what i did i procrasinated. Why do i feel as if my life is....stuck. I see progress, but why do i doubt shit so much? Like, im sure i can make it in life. I know my potential and i feel as if nobody is ready for all that. Or am i the one thats not ready? When i really should be. It makes me crazy when i think about the PAST. I really should stop, because im doing so much better now. I always think about on how i could've done better. Sometimes, now im like watch ima start doing better. But i NEVER go through with it. It's like i got the motivation, but its hard for me to push. I feel as if ima start pushing, well im the type of person that starts pushing when i really need to. I live by no pain no gain. I always make it hard on myself. Like i can never just make it easy from the beginning. I always wait until the end. I really dont know if this post is even making any sense, because im just documenting all my thoughts and feeling without being fully aware if im staying in context. But i really dont care . Im just tryna relieve this uncomfortable feeling, ease the monster thats eating me up inside. I wanna go jobhumting 'cause my job isnt working out. No pay. I cant even go on a jobhunt because im so far from all the places i need to apply and i really dont trust the neighborhood ima have to walk on by in order for me to get there. Because no one is really down to gimme rides. Like i know i could do it, walk by myself. But, i really am cautious about my safety. I feel as if every car that walks on by that sees me is my potential kidnapper or rapist and their going to sell me, rape me, or leave me for dead. God forbid. Im so paranoid, that its stopping to get me a job. Because i know i can get it. So many fucken reasons i make up, so many excuses. WTF is wrong with me. I need to get it together. My mind is in a wreck. I know where im going but i just gotta find the fastest way to get there and that shit isnt easy.
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